Stream of Consciousness 1: Love’s Burden, Abandonment & The Fool’s Dilemma.
I hate the concept of abandoning people. I find it difficult to want to move on from something I’ve had such a strong connection to and such a strong love for. Even if times may be difficult, I’d have all the patience in the world for something I love and stand by it as much as I could bear. I understand the world isn’t perfect however and people face different complications throughout their lives, changing their perspectives, thoughts and feelings to ultimately shift them away from their previous states. I must consider that we are confined to our form as humans, mortal people that function within a time bound society, with limited time to make something of ourselves.
That’s definitely a rigid way to sum up our existence, and I don’t opt to view it like this often myself, but it’s something I have to consider from time to time. I reckon that it’s this way of thinking that allows people to move on from previous emotional investments, at least to some degree. I’d have to agree that existentialism weighs heavy on the head, but I find I try to disregard thoughts of my, of our greater existence as I find more sentimentalism in thinking of and building upon the relationships between myself and others. I realise everything I’ve said is probably looking way too deep into things (I could even imagine someone reading this just to reply “lol it’s not that deep”) and I could just seek overindulgence to distract me from these thoughts, as I’ve seen others do. Maybe if I was able to act the same, I would place less mental burdens upon myself.
I can’t help who I am anyway despite this, this is what I’ve come to realise. I can try to tell myself I don’t need others for my own happiness, and I may look back upon this in later years with regret, but as of right now I could truly give up on dreams and my aspirations for greatness in place of love. A genuine connection with someone who transcends as a physical source of comfort, someone who could reach the inner workings of my mind and care for me as I would for them. Despite my yearning for this essentially being my driving force at this point in my life, I question how much of it is selfish. While I genuinely care for others and consequently wish to coexist with them, am I foolish for thinking so? Do I deserve to have this person as my other half and is this within their desires? Are my feelings and thoughts towards this person, something I would call love, just a form of lust and desire for something I can call mine, something that I yearn for just for my own satisfaction? Am I a fool for longing for what no longer is, but for what once was and that which upon reflection, hardly existed throughout the course of this year?
These are questions I don’t have answers for yet.